The Search..

hi..

hmmm it's sunday again.. meaning it's time for me to book in again.. haiz.. wat a boring life.. ppl have told me army is fun and allows u to get to know more friends.. but.. i dun seems to feel it.. well i shall leave my army life to another story ba..

Today is Mi Xue's 21st Birthday.. But she celebrated it last nite at THE ONE KTV.. hmmm well everyone in my batch have seems to turn 21 as the yr nearing to an end.. hmmm her birthday was one of the 'unquin' one i have been to.. having able to celebrate one's birthday at a KTV VIP room was one of the most happening thing to do... and having to sing to everyone on her birthday is also one of her wish i guess... hmmmm yest really felt like been to a personal idol concert ( ge ren yan chang hui) but also with some other guest invitation.. haha.. hmmm could see tt she really enjoyed herself very much.. wah heng ah last nite they sa bo me again.. sa bo me and Mi Xue together.. lucky i siam away.. haha...

Yesterday was also Shirely's 21st Birthday.. hmmm the 2 sisters.. one in sg one in Aust... wat a way to celebrate their 21st birthday together.. hmmm still remember.. during our yr 2.. the 4 gals celebrated their birthday together at a chalet.. hmmm was really happening tt time.. but those were the days..any way i here also wish the 2 of them HAPPY 21st BirTHdAy ba.. Wish u all the BEST>>...

haiz.. today's is sunday again.. meaing it's time for me to book in liao.. hmmm went to my grand ma's house early in the morning.. slept for 4 hrs only.. i reached home at 6am and woke up at 10.00.. after tt went to chinatown with my parents.. i din like to go chinatown... there's one BIG reason..

back to HER again..

thinking abt her...

HER dad works as an ice-cream man.. selling ice-cream at chinatown... she used to go her dad's stall help out often.. i followed her too... but after breaking up for so long.. i still miss her.. TODAY.. i went chinatown.. at 1st i knew her dad working there.. was really hoping to see her.. but on the other hand i din wan to.. i didn't want to see another guy who's standing beside her.. i feel so miserable.. Dunnoe wheather is was lucky or unlucky for me.. SHE wasn't there when i passby her dad's stall.. ever since we did not keep in touch, whenever i go out.. either at my area's hawak center(becoz her bf also lives in GHIM MOH), or whenever i go to town..i would open my eyes wide.. in hope of meeting her some where out there.. but i got a confuse feelings in my heart... i wan to meet her.. i wan to see how is she.. i wan to noe how she has changed into.. i just wan to see her.. and hug her... BUT... i know i can't do tt.. it's no longer wat it's used to be.. How i wish it could be like wat TV Drama serials always happens.. searching everywhere for a long period of time.. and ended up meeting her in somewhere... liek a couple of long dist love relationship meeting each other for the 1st time.. well yes.. pls condem me.. i am dreaming.. but... i just do wish something of tt sort happens..

Yest nite i also met carrie.. i think i scare her away.. the very 1st thing i ask her was who the bastard is.. i guess she's the only one whom i knew noes the bastard.. i hereby saes sorry to her.. but coming back to the question.. DOES KNOW WHO THE BASTARD IS? really tt impt?? what would u do if u know who the F is him? KILL him?? if u kill him would she comes back to u?? the ans is diffinately NO!!.. Killing is a crime too... BUT>... being kept in the dark for so long.. and not knowing who actually is the person makes me such a useless guy... at least i could know what kinda man is he.. Furthermore the person is frm my sec sch... tt makes it even worst... haiz.. the more i think the more i am sad... GIN last nite told me to let go... not only her.. alot ppl also... but... maybe it takes time...

haiz.. hate the feeling of booking in... as if i am cut away frm the outside world for another week.. but wat to do.. A MAN GOT TO DO WAT A MAN HAVE TO...

The break up..

:'(

Shortly after V-day.. we broke up.. we had a quarrel.. abt me treating her as a gf becoz i wanted a gf tt's all.. She felt tt i dun love her and becoz i wanted to feel how it is like to have a gf.. i hated it.. i couldn't accept the fact tt we broke up.. i treated her well.. and nv had cheated on her or watever.. she brought up the topic of breaking up... i tried to hang on... i did my very best.. i brought her back to mt faber one nite.. tot of patching things up wiht her.. but she says she couldn;t face me again.. but would wish we continue becoming good friends.. 'good friends??" i ask it there's anybody inbetween us.. izzit her ex? she strongly said no.. tt nite.. i send her back again..i felt disappointed.. i even kneel down on her doorstep to ask for a restart... but she rejects me.. she cried again at her floor lift lobby... i looked up frm my car... i got the same look as mths ago when we 1st started... she called me telling me to drive carefully.. i told her the same thign.. i am a good driver... but i was thinking.. wat would happened if i really did not drive carefully and meet and accident? i wanted her to care abt me.. but i did not wan her to worry abt me.. BUT I drove home safely..

Days have past.. i tried calling her.. msging her.. she rejects my calls.. ignored me totally.. i was worried abt her.. it affected my work totally.. whenever i am free i am thinking abt her.. thinking abt how it could happened.. she is just a simple gal and i have hurt her so much.. i couldn't sleep at nite.. thinking abt her and the times we had....

weeks have past.. finially she replied my msg... i ask for a meet up... hopeing could patch thigns up.. and clear everythign... she rejected me... she turned me down... i was so sad... everytime saying she isn't free... was suspecting she was with someone else..

One Fri.. after booked out.. i drove up to her place... msged her.. 'i am waiting at ur void deck.. could we meet? i will wait till u come down.." she came down after bathing... we chatted abt how's life and stuff.. i pop the question again.. asking if we could still be together.. she surprise me this time with a big surprise... SHE'S ATTACHED... my heart breaks frm tt moment... she told me.. after we broke up.. she was sad.. and there is this guy who came into her life.. concerned abt her.. showed her some love.. and he who is older then her.. she fell in love with him... i did not beleive her... IT's THE BASTARD who stole her away frm me.. Up till todae.. i still thinks is tt farking bastard who stole her away.. i could still remember when we were together... there's once or twice.. she told me she meeting some guy near my house to pass him some vcds and books.. i felt it was ok.. since we both had our friends.. i did not fear anything.. How could she have fallen in love with some other guys in such a short while?? less than a period of 2 mths?? i could still remember her saying tt she couldn't forget her ex.. during the 1st time when we 1st started... and yet she told me she have aready forgotted abt me.. and let it be the past liao.. and moved on with life.. and starting to look at cute guys again.. and i was totally a history? i was furious that nite.. how could she just say forgets means forgets.. dun tell me forgeting a person can be tt easy... till now i have not forgotten abt her... i felt like dying... i was angry at her.. but it was my fault which made her to call for the breaks up... friends around me tried telling me to ignore her.. forget abt her... but i can't.. till now... i am still thinking of her... i gave her my best wishes.. for her and her bf.. but i did tt out of curtersy.. i guess tt's the only way out to get away frm the situation.. but i was still hopeing a patch up..On the way back i msged her this.. 'just remember in this world in this part of singapore, there's a guy loving u deeply in his heart not letting go.. i am sorry'

tt nite... i cried.. on the way back... i called KM.. he too had a some relation problems.. we chatted at his void deck... we toked alot.. tok abt him and his gf.. how things is.. he told me to let go.. but i can't.. telling me tt life still have to go on.. on point hanging on.. Back in camp.. i couldn't concentrate.. every min was left thinking abt her..

up to todae... 5 mths after we broke off... i am still missing her.. i remember once... the nite b4 my challenge relay.. she msg me.. asking how's life.. i was busy wiht some prep.. did not replied her.. but did not want her to feel me ignoreing her.. so i ended up calling her.. we chatted.. she sounded fine... still got the same prob of haveing headace now and then and the same cough.. i could not hold myself.. and told her i still miss her and i still loved her... i know it's wrong to do tt.. since she has got a bf liao.. but i still couldn't accept the fact that the farking bastard stole her away just becoz she had a lost feelings tt time and attacked her during her weakest pt.. i hate ppl who does tt... will it last?? i dunnoe.. yes she would have felt loved at tt time becoz.. it was her most sadest pt in life tt she have felt.. having a break up..but becoz of tt she fell in love with him?? i still couldn't accept it up to todae... I did not blame her... i know it's not her fault for the break up and not her fault for falling in love.. it's the bastard... i dunnoe y maybe it's becoz i still love her and couldn't affort to fault her saying these.. but... i always felt it this way..

on her birthday.. i msged her.. asking her for a meet up to pass her her present which i spent quite a time finding it... but not to forget with the help of mi xue and GL.. she ignored me.. she rejects my msg... till now her present is still inside my cardboard.. still waitign for the chance to give her.. We had agreed b4.. we would celebrate our birthdays together.. but she broke her promise... On my birthday... she did not turn up... i was disappointed.. though i have got many frineds around to celebrate with me.. but... i still miss her... tt nite i and my frineds went to watch initial D... the ending was so sad.. we went supper after tt.. and i was sad till i din say a word... i wanted to ask mi xue to msg her.. as i know she wun reply my msg.. but i dunnoe wat to msg her..

As days passes, weeks gone by, and mths flew... the feelings for her should have faded away like many of my friends said.. it takes time to heal... BUT.. i felt tt as time pass, the more i missed her.. I often had the urged to jsut go to her house and give her somethigns.. but i did not.. i did not want to see her with her bf.. tt bastard.. call me jealous.. but seeing someone whom u deeply loved with another guy isn't a good sight... i know.. many ppl out tt are scolding now me saying.. i can't treat her well so let some other guy whom can treat her well like a gf and at teh same tiem she could be loved... some says.. IF YOU LOVE SOME ONE.. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE WITH HER..love can't be forced... 'u prefer her to suffer being with u or u preffer her to be love by others while u could just quitely love her and let her go..' till todae.. i shall ignore her till the time i could tell myself to treat her as a friend not someone whom i wish to still hanging on to then i shall msg her..